sigh............

I write. I write a lot. Sometimes I write a lot of crap. I have kept journals for years. My writing turned into printing for better legibility and then I switched to mostly typing as I am faster at that and can keep up with my thoughts. I have looked over former journals and re-read some of my entries and realize some or most were just crap! Nothing anyone including myself would be interested in. FEW entries relating to me personally really expressed how I was feeling about things. Sometimes it was just crap about the weather or day......just stupid shit. MANY of those journals I have since pitched. I guess in part because part of me was thinking "what if someone from my family reads this?" "What would they think of me?"

I also kept prayer journals over time. I went back and re-read those and realized what a hypocrite I was....something I cannot stand. It comes right in behind LIARS in my book. SO I pitched those. Through my SEEKING on the religious front I have discovered I have far too many questions that no one seems to be able to provide me with good answers for. I am pretty open minded and find aspects of many religions we can all use in our daily lives to benefit us. I have found many problems with the Christian faith which is weird since I professed to becoming a Christian back in my 30s. Of course now my Christian friends (if I have any left) will say I am going to go straight to hell or never was a believer to begin with. Well I definitely do not believe in many things the CHURCHES are trying to ram down people's throats today. I am going to stop here before I lose it......anyway.....I got rid of my prayer journals.

I started to blog. I liked it because I could hop on my PC and rant and rave and type and get it all out. It was cathartic...soothing....I also met some interesting people that way....and some liars. Just as in real life. I have found since blogging......and my entire family blogs now minus one......I still tend to hold back a bit when I make posts. Even my own dad told me if I did not like what I read on HIS blog I did not have to read it or come back. I guess the same could apply for me and my blogs....though I don't think many actually come read my blogs these days. NOT my parents anyway. Well maybe they do but they don't comment often if they do.

ALL I can say is I have realized I tend to post things here in such a manner as to not rock the boat. KEEP the peace......just let things ride. This means I no longer can sometimes just rant about an issue pertaining to let's say MY DAD or someone because HE MAY read it. Sure....we have gone the route of private blogs...or invite only blogs......but I like to make mine open for anyone to read if they want.

sigh.........I also worry sometimes about what others might think. I know sometimes I post things here that draw attention from others I may not want the attention of.

Part of me finds the need to just tell about my life....and all the crappy shit I have done over the years or have gone through.......and how I think and HOPE I have matured over time and gotten smarter. THEN part of me figures why waste the energy. WHO really gives a crap anyway. How will telling about anything I have or have not done over the years really help anyone?

SO few really know me. I am far from perfect but at least I am a "what you see is what you get gal" and it bugs me that I have to WITHHOLD crap here or there. I guess I don't......but I am finding I do.

so many times like right now when it is gloriously rainy outside and everyone is asleep and it is my night off....I sit down here to write. AND I find I hold back. I want to just let it all come pouring out. BUT I don't allow it.