Thursday, January 28, 2010

realizations in the shower.....

Today while in the shower (which I had to force myself to take since I know I needed one...but still felt too, I don't know, tired? to make myself actually get one)....I realized something. I started to wonder why it is we tend to sometimes just not really want to take care of ourselves? Somewhere along the way it all becomes more of a "chore." We do less and less the things we know we need to be doing to stay in shape, look and feel better, etc.

WHY is that?

I then started to think about all the actual CHORES we have to do every day in our lives. Some are more seasonal...and yet still MUST be done. For example let's take mowing. That has to be done in the summer. Whether we want to do it or not does not even matter as it still has to get done. So we just do it. We mow. Cause we HAVE TO. Or we have to hire someone else to do it for us.

My body...your body...needs specific care to run properly and not get fat and out of shape. We need to exercise and eat right, take care of ourselves, get sufficient sleep, avoid stress, laugh, perferably have healthy relationships and lots of sex. (hey they say this is very important to having a long, healthy, happy life and I believe it!)

And yet even though we KNOW all those things for our body needs to be done so we are at our very best, we rarely follow through on them. We do for awhile perhaps. Sometimes we can make a "lifestyle" change. BUT we don't seem to muster up the JUST DO IT cause you have to feelings we do for mowing or taking out the trash or dusting, etc. and become consistent with it. We do not choose usually to go ahead and exercise for example because we have to...our bodies need it.

There are many things in my life I HAVE TO DO. Makes no difference whether or not I want to do any of them...I HAVE TO. There is no one else around to do them for me...I MUST do them in order for them to get done. BUT, EVEN then sometimes I avoid actually doing them.

I think there is something wrong with me. I don't think I am depressed and yet what is this called when you just don't feel like doing these things. Or you purposefully continue to do things you know are not good for you or your life. Exhaustion? Overload? Emotionally drained? Apathetic?

We all seem to wait around for something MAGICAL to happen to solve all our problems..some magic pill to take to remove our fat....some magic man to show up at our doorstep and ring our doorbell to be our knight in shining armour....some magic fairy to do all our chores or at least share them, some magic "moment" that will become our lifechanging lightbulb moment that will completely transform our lives forever and we will live happily ever after forever and ever and ever.

Some say to cry out to the universe for what you want and you will get it. But we have to change our mindset first. We can't be thinking of what all needs to be done...but instead how great it is we are actually doing them and getting them done and all this crap. That even seems like such an incredible effort. So many things to do, to remember to do, to remember how to think them and what to avoid thinking and how to be and how to avoid being another way...on and on and on. It's all too much. Sometimes I just want to "be."

I can ask God for help and guidance and while He never fails me...I am still the one who has to do the actual work.

I wish to avoid no longer believing in magic and dreams and hopes and yet sometimes it is very hard to believe anything is ever anything else other than what "you" really put into it. After all, that is reality right? When everything becomes an effort though...what do you do then? What is wrong with someone when everything becomes too much of an effort. It makes you tired to even think about the effort it takes before you actually even expend the effort to doing something. That is pretty sad.

I am used to feeling very upbeat and happy regardless of situations in my life. I used to do so much before Noah was born. Once he was born and then diagnosed with autism and even before the official diagnosis came, he required a lot of my attention when he was little....well....a lot would be an understatement for when he was little. Back then he required constant attention and supervision. BUT I changed my life and world and work situation so I could be there for him all the time. Everything else in my life took a definite backseat. I DO NOT regret any of this and I am not complaining...don't get me wrong here. I do realize though that this is when I started to just become drained. Physically and emotionally. Every bit of my energy went into Noah's care. Caring for myself was not even a thought. When I did have a spare brief moment, I just was too exhausted to want to do anything. Things that needed done or things I wanted to do became the same. I had no time for them anyway. I lived and worked on 4 hours of sleep per night for over 6 years.

NOW many years have passed. Noah is able to go for long periods of time without being monitored and prompted. I have free time sometimes in between work and homeschooling him and his therapies and yet most times I would have to force myself to do anything constructive or creative. Noah and I do a lot of FUN things together and we can be pretty busy. BUT I sometimes go places and visit people to avoid doing what I know I have to do around here! With all that, I am still too tired most of the time. I have lost me along the way. I tried to even RUN the other day and I think I forgot HOW? Is that even possible?? They say you don't forget how to ride a bike...but with my left knee bothering me off and on.....I don't seem to be able to run anymore! I am fortunate I can walk without too much discomfort most of the time. I am thankful for that but it was disturbing to realize that running had become foreign to my body had no clue what to do!

I recently made a post where I said I did not want to end up just another flower on the sofa's upholstery...fading into the background. It is even more shocking to think perhaps I have instead actually become the couch.

Man I sound like a whiner.

So would we just be plain apathetic? Not really giving a crap? Lazy?

The Nike commercial's "JUST DO IT" slogan has become my mantra for life....and yet.....I do not always JUST DO IT.

Sometimes my mantra is JUST AVOID IT or DO IT LATER. I can sometimes procrastinate and wait until the pressure builds to the boiling point and I am finally forced to make that change. I conveniently call this "working my best under pressure!" I don't have to do things this way. I choose to do so, but why? WHY would anyone chose this? I must be getting something out of it.

If you were to die today and were lying in your casket would you be happy with how you looked there? It is sad to think you want to maybe look your best for the day you would be dead. Why would you not want to look your best for when you are alive? Why would we (OR ME) think that way? WHY would how I look to anyone if I am not alive anymore be important to me? WHO GIVES A CRAP then? SHUT the casket up and no one would see anything anyway. I worry they will tilt my head weird and I will have like double chins or triple chins. BUT if I am so damn worried about double chins....why don't I do something about it NOW while I am alive and not just have them turn my head a certain way to make it look like I don't have double chins when I probably really do?????

Of course I always say I am going to avoid death altogether and live forever. I believe this. If my son makes his time machine he wants to make who knows. According to my Christian beliefs I know I will live forever.....not as we know it here in this body....but forever nonetheless.

Anyway....I am out of work and have too much time on my hands to sit and think today rather than getting off my butt and actually doing something. I think I am on the right track in figuring this all out. I obviously have to figure out my behavioral pattern and the "whys" so I can make a "forever" change in my life.

WHILE I continue to think I am going to go work out for a few minutes...which will hopefully turn into a few more....and maybe once again one magic day I can regain my "routine" where I JUST DO IT....without a second thought....not because I want to or have to....but just because I can.