Don't ask me why because I could not begin to tell you. BUT I AM. I have been for awhile now.
I am simply going through the motions......and I am not even doing that very well.
I feel down......out......then get pissed.........then the cycle begins. But always I feel alone. Now I know I am NOT alone......it is just how I feel.
Which brings me to this. ALL comes down to a state of mind. What we make ourselves believe.....the lies or half-truths we convince our subconscious to believe in as truth.
Why does it have to be so damned difficult to convince ourselves we are happy no matter what?
What exactly are we searching for in our life anyway? Once we get it all will we magically know it? Will we be happy then or just for awhile? Will we convince ourselves "this is it" and finally feel complete? Or is it all just temporary fixes in life....to get us to the next point of destination wherever that may be?
We can live half our lifetimes in a rut if we allow it. When do we decide to plow a new path?
I know this certainly cannot possibly be all there is.....and yet here I am......some days just barely able to do the least required of myself to get by......other days I go like gang busters.......and then wonder why. Who really gives a shit anyway....
yeah....see....I told you I had a bad attitude - and wanting to finally just meet someone in person is NOT helping this situation at all. The longing for what I think or believe I want is incredible. It is physically painful. I cannot erase it from my mind. It is CONSUMING my freakin brain....it is ALL I think about.......I am not sure how I can get from minute to minute and hour to hour some days let alone MONTHS........
and here I am......don't know where he is......this is likely where it will remain. I said I would ACCEPT THIS...EMBRACE IT.......but it does not mean I have to like it one damn fucking bit.
it makes me miserable. It makes me sad......it makes me depressed..it makes me angry......it makes it damned difficult to read anything erotic or write anything erotic without it making the longing and ache just 1000 times worse. It constantly reminds me that this is all a dream......none has turned into reality.....once again it is all in my mind. I can think about this and imagine things till I become a very old lady and then what?
my life and heart will be filled with "what ifs?" what hell that must be?
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
see...sometimes just saying that will make me feel better...and EVEN THAT IS NOT WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! shit