Saturday, December 27, 2003

Well....I steel like crap! So much so I decided to go see a doctor today...and PAY THE EXTRA after hours price even! I know I have a combination of things going on with being PERIMENOPAUSAL SYMPTOMS......oh the JOY! I have a cyst on my remaining left ovary....that causes me problems. AND I have all these hormonal things going on I cannot always control...what fun for everyone that is. PLUS it does not help to have a husband who obviously does not really LISTEN to anything I have to say about how I feel....or whatever. I have told him over and over I have felt like crap now for 2 months. I guess he does not hear. I have struggled to get all the basic living things done every day here at home...and with work...and also do all the holiday stuff...which I actually succeeded in doing pretty well...except for finishing our bedroom and some other final things. It has taken me till right up to Christmas to complete those tasks however...and meanwhile I feel crappy. Tomorrow we were to have all of his kids and his dad over for Christmas. Just the thought of all that had to be done was depressing and overwhelming to me. I can barely walk lately I feel so bad...and my back hurts as I think another kidney stone is moving around to come out.....etc....I have lost 10 pounds in like 10 days....wonderful as I need to lose weight but also disturbing as I do not know WHY this has happened. I have a 49 year old husband who I have to yell at to have him actually HEAR anything I apparently say. No wonder I get down in the dumps or mad or STRESSED!! Anyway..the doctor put me on some antibiotics finally...and did some blood work. I am not diabetic. Actually after you eat a random glucose should be a little higher than normal and mine was kind of low even it was fine. I told the doctor I sometimes tend to have lower blood sugars and I have to eat things and do things at different times to actually feel maybe I have the opposite? WHO KNOWS. I am thankful all my labs he ran today came back perfectly fine....he did recommend I keep my appointment with my OB-GYN to talk to them after being examined as to my options with my cyst and my HORMONES...etc. I think a lot of how I feel is because of the cyst...and I cannot see keeping something inside me for long when it is not something GOOD. So we will see...maybe I will end up having it removed? it is the day before Keith was to have Christmas with his kids. He had not yet even completed his shopping or wrapping. We had to do the laundry and clean the house....which TOGETHER would probably not have taken all that long. We had to get all the stuff for dinner tomorrow night and he of course once again does not have the money for that. Never has the money to end up getting his kids presents and pay for the dinner and other things...for their Christmas. AND it is not like he helped pay for any of my family's presents because he did not. SO why should I continue to pay for part of his kid's Christmas and dinner and all the stuff and DO all the stuff. It is time he takes on some of that responsibility himself. It must not be all that important to him in the long run or he would make sure to have the money set aside..and the shopping done..etc. NO excuses this year. We did not travel to Ohio and spend money. Sure we got 2 new cars and had that extra to pay for license plates and stuff...but....we had no house payment for 2 months as we refinanced. SO again no excuses. He makes just as much as me.....and he should be able to set aside money to get them some nice presents....he ends up WINGING it. This year I would once again have had to save his ass by buying presents too....(which I really don't mind but I have limited money right now too)....I would have to wrap...I would have to make dinner and all the food for Sunday and I FEEL LIKE CRAP. I guess he has not heard me for the past 2 months!!!???

FINALLY after going to the doctor and all..and telling him I actually felt so bad I felt like I was dying...I think he HEARD ME. Shame you have to be practically on your deathbed before someone will LISTEN to you.

I ache all over...can barely move my arms and legs as they feel all sore.....and stuff. No fever but blowing crap out of my nose. I know colds and sinus problems are enough by themselves to make you feel like crap. I also find it amusing how Keith thinks apparently I can do it all no matter what.....even when I feel bad..but yet if HE has to do the same things..then suddenly "we don't have to do all that". mean we had options all along?

SO...Christmas with his kids is now OFF for tomorrow and unless I feel much better real soon it will be off FOR GOOD. He can deliver the presents to their houses or something as far as I am concerned. I want to sit and rest and sleep and rest and sleep and rest and sleep and rest!~ I want to take it easy. We stopped at the store and MINUS a birthday gift I picked up for Noah and some on sale Christmas cards...I still spent 50+ dollars. With the gift and cards it was over 70.00. NOW...I told Keith I had not even gotten all the stuff for SUNDAY either if we were still going to have that....and he of course could not believe I spent that much and had not gotten anything like we had talked about for Sunday dinner let alone help buy presents. So...who knows when he will do this now. I TOLD HIM NEXT YEAR HE can do it all. HE CAN MAKE the the the shopping and make dinner or BUY dinner and all that. I AM DOING NOTHING..the same as he does to help me with my family's portion of things. I also have a bad attitude when it comes to his they tend to usually only be around or show up when they want something. Keith does not hear much from them otherwise.....and I get tired of that as he does. So of course they want to come over for their presents.....but if Christmas was not here I doubt they would be coming over for anything.

OH WELL. I have a bad attitude all around....and it would be no wonder I am depressed or moody if I am. I feel like I am taken for granted a home and at work. I have a bad attitude lately at work too. So.....I guess I am going to start THINKING ABOUT MELINDA for a change and how I feel or what I NEED instead of always worrying about everybody else and catering to Keith and his kids and work all the time. I cannot imagine what it would even be like to have someone cater to me. I could count on one hand the number of times that has ever happened in my entire lifetime anyway! NO..I am not feeling sorry for myself. I have taught people to apparently treat me this way. SO things are going to change is all I can say now.

Well..I am hungry. Time for dinner...and then PJs and sleep/resting.

Friday, December 26, 2003

Well...I am not very good lately about writing (typing) in this journal. Oh well. Seems I am always so busy. I am now on vacation for Christmas and New Years and have already been off work for let's see.....5 days and it feels like ZERO! I guess with all the HUSTLE and BUSTLE it makes it hard to feel like you are ever on a real vacation unless you actually go SOMEWHERE to take a real vacation. I have been so busy around the house and our Christmas is not even officially over yet as we have extended family to celebrate it again with on Sunday. I have not felt really well for about 2 months now. Makes it hard to do basic living skills let alone anything EXTRA!!

Christmas was nice...but exhausting and I still do not have all the projects done I wanted to get done. I often wonder if I EVER will have everything done. I guess not....cause if I did then what? It has been nice to sleep in longer or more often! To read occasionally and fun, simple things like that. I have actually been losing weight while on the holiday which is good! Not sure how. I may see the doctor tomorrow. Anyway...I realized today how BORING my blog probably is. I am in the process of "thinking" about a new blog or revamping this one. Not sure. If I wrote down all the HIDDEN things in my mind it might make for interesting reading.....but I am not sure I want the entire world to know all my HIDDEN thoughts.

Saw Peter Pan today at the theater! It was very good although some parts werea bit drawn out. Spent my 50.00 Target gift card today online for some movies. I got DVDs of Rear Window, Grumpy Old Men and An Affair to Remember. HUM....that is an interesting assortment. Wonder what that might mean if anything?

Well..I am so tired and boring I am going to sign off. SO many things I had wanted to write about but now cannot even recall them. SO I am sure they were not worth mentioning anyway.

Later..time for PJs and EGGNOG!