Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Joy Diet...Week 5: Chapter 4....."CREATIVITY".......

well....where has mine gone I would ask? I am not going to take photos of my journal this week because to be does not have much in it but ramblings about why I just had issues with this chapter. In fact....I have been working ahead in this book and I have even more issues with future chapters coming up.

I am not sure where this leads me or what it means. I wondered if I was just making up excuses as to why I did not feel I could or should or would do certain "instructions" per Martha's guidelines in this book.

Unfortunately for me....or maybe fortunately....The Joy Diet has brought me little true "JOY!" Now maybe that is part of the plan...after all we all get "uncomfortable" and "touchy" during times of soul searching and changes.

During this week's chapter I have realized I have a REAL time issue. NOT one that is made up....but real. I work from home 8 hours or more per day to support myself and my son. I also homeschool him which takes a few hours out of the day. I also have to take him to his various therapies each week. AND then there are the usual things around the home that need to be taken care of..which I do all of those myself. I think I am feeling overwhelmed and if you factor in there about 5 hours of sleep I am lucky to get each 24 hours is pretty much used up for any given day.

I then thought well must be YOU. YOU are not disciplined enough.....or you are LAZY.....etc. BUT you know what? I am tired. I am tired of being given all these instructions of what I should or should not be doing or what I should or should not eat or how I should or should not be. I have so many instructions and lists of things to do that never get completed...things never getting crossed off my perpetual TO DO depresses me...which makes me not feel like doing anything. It is so hard to hang onto any real JOY when one feels like that.

By working ahead I found the next chapter was on Risks...and then Treats. I had an even bigger problem with RISKS.....thinking that chapter was entirely crap. I did not think much of purposefully seeking out any risk taking behavior I may find scary or uncomfortable to "help me" in any way reach any desire I might have. Obviously I was not getting it....and maybe it is because I came out of this CREATIVITY chapter with such a bad attitude.

Don't even get me started on the Treats chapter. I made it as far as the PLAY chapter.....but was by then mostly skimming or only reading. I no longer felt like a participant. I was on the outside looking in.

It must be nice to have a life so cookie cutter clear and clean. Where one can just cut out a portion each day to do specific things and that portion never gets smashed to shit and changed entirely into some unknown blob you no longer recognize. I don't have that luxury anymore...and have not for a very long time. Of course that could be a rather boring life perhaps too. Since my son was born my life is more "spur of the moment" now and that is not necessarily a bad thing. Unfortunately; however, many times these "flexes" and "changes" in our schedules
happened because of bad things pertaining to my son.....times he would get into trouble at school because of his autism and the fact that the school staff has no freaking clue what autism is even about let alone how to handle a child in school who has autism. Yeah..can you HEAR my bad attitude? IT SCREAMS from my insides yet silently.

I have worked so hard to float......just to keep my head above water and float...enjoy the peaceful....maintain a sense of peace happy...believe I am happy and all will be well...try to realize all will be well no matter what......fake it till I make it.....all that crap. Working through this book has just made a whirlpool out of my calm seas. Maybe this is part of Martha's plan...but I don't like how it is making me become I feel inside. I have worked hard to be flexible with my let things stay in my pajamas all day if I feel like it and not feel bad because of it. I have found many ways to keep myself and my son sane and happy....stress-free.

Maybe I am ticked because I realize I just don't have time to write 5 of these things out each day or 10 of those...or even to take 10 minutes each day for myself to sit and do nothing. SO many things get added to this growing list of things to do and my list is already out the door. I like Martha....but I just don't have enough extra time to do all the stuff she expects us to do. I just don't. Will I still achieve my goals as I recognize them? SURE I will....when I am ready.....I always have once I make up my mind on something. That was never an issue for me. MAKING UP my mind might be however...but it is going to have to just "float" for awhile too....simmer.

So I have decided to STOP my pursuit of this particular project because it just is making me have a really bad attitude. It has become something I feel I MUST do and yet can never accomplish at the same time which does not help me feel good about myself or help me reach any goal let alone any desire I might have.

I DO admit that some of my attitude is stemming from the realization that some of my desires hinge on the actions (or lack thereof) of other people. That pisses me off now....and I find that just unacceptable. I am tired of excuses and run arounds. WHAT I do with this information in my life I am not yet sure.

SO.......I have a bad attitude and frame of mind right now. I cannot find it in me to go further...

This diet for me is over......

AFTER reading someone else's post on this week's chapter I realized I do not care for Martha's SMUG attitude throughout...and the silly crappy suggestions she makes from time to time about listing even ILLEGAL things to do towards reaching your desire.....illegal ideas. I guess I am a bit more practical and wish to avoid wasting my time thinking about ILLEGAL things I could do that I will never do hopes that somehow will inspire me to think of even more things to solve all my problems...blah, blah, blah. It must be very hard being MARTHA and having all of life's answers bottled up inside her head!

I also now realize why it is called the JOY DIET! Diets are about RESTRICTIONS.......less of's......perhaps that is what happens here via Martha on purpose.....we are being RESTRICTED of JOY in our lives. Because that is certainly what has been happening to me the farther I got into this book.

As I said before......the diet is OVER for me....and I am sorry if this hurts any fellow participants feelings...but it is how I feel and I am not holding back about it here on my own blog.

AND I could not have said it any better than Collage Diva sums up on her post this week. I LOVE what she did with her ideas this week..and if my copy of this book had not been a library copy...I would have long ago wrecked it too!

Check out her work here: