Thursday, November 13, 2003

WOW..over a month since I last made an entry. Well..where to begin. I found out I have a cyst on my remaining left ovary. I guess next step will be to make an OB-GYN appointment and get their recommendations. Most times I know you can let them go...but when you get older they don't like for women to have things like that in their bodies. I know sometimes it can turn to ovarian cancer. DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT to get that. SO...I will have to talk to them and request a blood draw be performed for that screening. And then get their advice. Need a complete physical in general. I am long overdue. I know I am going through perimenopause. JOY JOY. I have not had a period now since Sept. NO...not pregnant. Just screwy periods. OR NONE...all part of "the process".

Been doing a lot of thinking. I wonder why men or the majority anyway cannot seem to live their lives other than by the CROTCH of their pants. THEIR is always about them. You could be the most perfect wife....and give them everything they want and most men will still do things they should not to jeopardize that marriage. Why is that. Are they that stupid? or just plain selfish? Or never learned how to control their LOINS? OR EMOTIONAL NEEDS and all that other CRAP basically? Weird. I am thankful I don't have a penis. I cannot imagine having a brain that small and still being able to function. No wonder they have problems. I got to thinking. I don't believe I have EVER been with any man who did not cheat on me in some fashion. Maybe first boyfriend in high school I don't think did. That was it. My first husband did. He ended up marrying one of the many women he messed around with. Keith (my husband now) has not physically messed around with least I don't believe so. BUT he has many many times over and over again met up with women online or over the telephone through work and started PHONE/COMPUTER relationships with them. Now why the need for that? AND he must talk in a way to lead them all as they all end up talking about "love" and all that crap. Weird. Of course he mentions it to them too. I don't know how anyone can convince themselves that doing things like that and lying about it is not PURSUING it...and stopping it instead (IN THEIR MIND) OH WAIT. I know why. Cause their brain is equal to the size of the ego and penis! Forgot about that. God has given me a is truly amazing. I know things about people they don't know I know. I can tell them what they have done and they are amazed I know how and they don't know HOW I KNOW. I know things about Keith and he does not understand how I know these things or find out these things. Perhaps he thinks I am stupid. I am beginning to think he is not bright at all. EVEN in feeble attempts at lying and such I have ALWAYS caught him. I am surprised he continues to even try to lie about anything. He smokes in secret and lies about it. I can ask him about smoking and he goes around sneak smoking at work..and then tells me and anyone else he does not smoke. Let's see..he is up to a pack and a half a week. I would call that smoking! WEIRD again. If he lies about that imagine what else he is lying about. SO...ONCE again I find out after all our crap we have already gone through that he has continued talking to the woman he was talking to 2 years ago when I just about left him because of it. ONLY occasionally and "friendly conversation only". My question is why talk to her at all if you knew it jeopardized your marriage once and could end it for sure next time round? AND now he is talking to some woman who works in UTAH for Quest..or did. She was fired. For mouthing off to her boss. Gee...sounds like another psycho. She called and he and her started talking. CRYING on each other's shoulders I suppose. She liked his VOICE on the phone..which I am sure stroked his ego. All leading to the frying pan and trouble. He is in the frying pan I told him and crisp. Talk about playing with fire. She is going through a divorce (gee..wonder why) and already living with some other man and meanwhile sending Keith cards about love...and calling him at work on his CELL PHONE (how convenient). He knows a lot about her and her about him. I guess he never thought (and he admitted he did not) that this could be some psycho who might freak out when he tells her to quit calling him..etc....and look him up or me and Noah up and blow us away to have him freed up for HER? HOW DARE he put his family in any danger like that. SINGLE YOUNG people do stupid things like that..not a 49 year old man. OH WAIT..I can hear yet another excuse coming. IT IS BECAUSE HE IS ALMOST 50 and what......another mid life crisis? YEah right. Get over it already! I could write a book of excuses. That is all I have ever heard from any man my entire life. He does not supposedly understand WHY he does things like this over and over again...knowing full well all along it is wrong and could ruin our life and marriage. Weird again. Then if you look at the women in your life you know....many have lived their entire lives like this..but even worse. Their husbands DID physically mess around on them but they stuck it out with them. AND have remained married a very long time. Perhaps you get to the point where it no longer really matters? As long as you can maintain a nice family life in your own home and are happy? I guess you can become like that. NUMB I guess. BUT yet happy. I sometimes have thoughts then about Keith doing away with me. I doubt that is normal. Poisoning me....coming at me in the shower...things like that. Not right...I guess because of his behavior? I feel he might get sick of my crap and bitching (due to perimenopause don't forget) that he might freak out and do it one day? I also worry if something happened to me...about Noah being around him all the time. I don't think of Keith as being a very stable or responsible person as far as putting things in the proper priority and perspective. he is too worried about himself and his needs to think about Noah. I could see him pushing Noah on the back burner all the time and running around trying to line up a woman to TAKE CARE OF HIM again. SiCK. That is how our relationship originally started. At least he admitted to that finally. He was getting a divorce and was so afraid of being alone and lonely he had to line up another woman to take his ex's place ASAP. I was one of MANY he was in communication with at that time. He liked what he saw and chose ME..WOW how lucky for me huh? Of course he supposedly fell in love with me and all that crap. I suppose that is possible. I still believe God can take something that started out crappy and turn it out to be good. I still believe by being faithful and steadfast that this will and can happen and that GOD will bless me and us. He has already over and over again. EVen when we don't deserve it. AT ALL. SO men are men I guess. Different from women we all know that. I think my life now is very good even through all this. That is odd too. How can I justify that? But it is. I am oddly happy. Weird again. I do get irritated a lot about Keith. I guess he never figured any of his actions would perhaps impact my MOOD swings lately. I would rather him be honest to me about anything though than lie. I hate liars. I have told him that over and over again and yet he continues to CHOOSE to lie. What is the point? The truth ALWAYS comes out in the end and I usually know things before he does anyway. SO I guess it really comes down to sharing your life with someone.....hopefully being faithful to that person.....but sharing all of it good and bad. KNowing that person has problems and WEIRDNESS about you do. Keith is a very needy person. I am not very good about giving him what he needs apparently. I think he begins to look for it elsewhere...only a know..innocent talking..yeah right. Always leads to trouble. comes down to trust. If you don't have that what do you have? So.....makes me wonder about a lot of things. Funny..I cannot imagine living without him....but wonder why I am still here also. I mean never believing what the person you live with tells you is not great. NOt being able to count on them and believe in them to be a good role model for your child stinks. I DO resent that. ALL Noah would learn right now from Keith is how to cheat, lie and get away with things secretly.

Well...had a root canal..and my mouth is throbbing. I have been taking my pain pills AND Motrin together to get by every 3-4 hours or so. HOPE it lets up soon. My face did not swell as bad this time. I think I should try a professional endontist? someone who does nothing but root canals IF there is a next time. I PRAY there is not. The 2 I have had done have been horrible!

Noah and I are feeling a bit better. I still have horrible sinus problems but they are better controlled now with OTC decongestants. So I can breathe most of the day. My voice does not sound great yet. Noah may try school tomorrow.

Well..we are refinancing the VA loan to a lower rate. That is good. Christmas is coming up. We had talked about going back to Ohio this year at Thanksgiving. Not sure if we will. I kind of want to and then don't. It is a long drive and we would not be able to leave till Sunday that is not much time. So we will see..but I am thinking probably not. So maybe next spring sometime would be nice (if not before then).

We go see Bear in the Big Blue House next Saturday the 22nd. SHould be fun for Noah too! Hope I can take pictures. There is a dinosaur exhibit this week at the Pepsi Center. We have tickets to go perhaps on Sunday. I think the show ends then. Not sure but I have heard it is pretty neat to see.

Well..I am rambling. Time to go and do something constructive.