melancholy...apathetic.....moodiness......sad

I have no idea. I do know I am feeling all the above and have no idea as to "why."

I have often looked back over my life and tried to pinpoint a period in my life when I first started to notice moments of semi-depression or feeling sad without any apparent reason. When did I lose my drive...my motivation......even randomly....when did I lose my enthusiasm, when did I start to feel like everything in general was just too much effort? I think that is sad to feel that way and I cannot stand it when I do........but I started experiencing that when I was like a freshman in high school. Generally I am a happy-go-lucky sort of gal and in a pretty good mood for the most part and can try to find the positive side to most situations. I can "fool" myself into believing all is well even if it is not. I have learned to do that very well over the years.

But take today for example. Now grant it yes I am chronically sleep deprived so I am tired. That in and of itself can make one not really want to do all that much. BUT....I have noticed over the past few years an increased tendancy on my part to find ways out of doing things......or easier ways to get something done. I feel like I am most days "just skimming by" in life and that is not how I want to live. Sure I stay busy....too busy....which I know takes time away from actually enjoying your life and truly just living it. Some days I just want to sleep....which makes sense because of the sleep deprivation. Other times I just do not feel like doing much of anything! Just moving seems like an effort...and don't get me wrong. I am thankful for all I have....for being alive....for all the beauty that surrounds me every day!

When one tends to seek out ways to escape the world more than participate in it...I take that as a flare being shot up for help. I am not psychotic or anything like that....and I am nothing close to feeling like I have in the past years ago......so hopefully my family won't get in any uproar by reading this. I have just been wondering the past week or two what happened to make me feel like everything was just too tiring or exhausting before I even did it so I opt out to begin with? Sometimes even the simple things like getting dressed are huge efforts for me.....

Meanwhile time ticks on and is not waiting on my lazy butt. People are passing on, creating constant reminders of just how fleeting time really is......and the fact that we all need to make the most of what we have NOW when we can. I mean come on...what are we all waiting for? This is not a dress rehearsal as has been said. We don't get halfway through and say "well crap.....I want a do-over." I don't want to be numb and a slug .......

then again I think I become that when I have too much to deal with in my life......a way to cope and protect myself. I don't know...that to me sounds like another convenient excuse or cop out to explain off my feelings.

I seem to have lost my creativity...I sat down tonight to paint and could think of NOTHING to paint. NADA.......I am in the zone........zoned out.......a walking zombie but one that interacts on the lowest level to fool others into thinking they are really ever present.

SO my question to myself is why. WHY do I not feel like doing anything. Simple post holiday blues? Stressors in life? I have had many stressors in life before........but I remember being a highly motivated person and able to do anything I set my mind to. In fact I still can......the only problem now is I do not seem to be setting my mind to doing much of anything unless it is forced on me.......so what does that mean.......

I tend to look at life with rose-colored glasses on I suppose......Noah helps me continue to see the beauty in all things......but I tend to do that regardless....I always have.

Lately though it is as if the rose color has turned to gray. I have to admit I prefer the rose. This does not mean I am not happy....because I am. That is where things get confusing....