drowning...

There are times, like now
when I am completely alone in the middle of the night
no sound but my fan running in the background
so quiet I can hear my own breathing
that I am completely overwhelmed.

Do you remember nights/mornings like that?
You can't sleep for whatever reason
or you have slept for a bit and wake up
unable to fall back to sleep.

I look out my window
and wonder what other people are doing
but seeing their windows black
I assume they are still sleeping.
I even think about you and wonder what you are doing
but realize you are most likely snuggled up tight against your lover.

Everyone else seems to have an actual life, a purpose
another beside them
and yet the fact that it appears you don't, even if for a moment
is too much for you to take.
You are tired of wallowing around in self pity
waiting to be noticed
for another living soul to actually be present to look back at you
to actually see you and acknowledge your existence
to make you real.

I have experienced this before
it was hell then and it is an even greater hell this time round
The pit is deeper
yet I walked willingly into the pit
apparently forgetting to take anything sensible along with me in order to survive.
Maybe the flames this time will just burn so hot
they will incinerate my soul in totality
then I won't have to worry about this happening again.

These are times I feel like I get slapped in the face
the sting leaving a resounding crack in the air around me
my eyes welling up with tears so great in number
I couldn't possibly keep them from overflowing and rolling down my cheeks.

So I allow them to fall, one tear after another
till I find myself lying in a pool of tears.
Pretending the waters are your arms
I lie back, close my eyes, and allow myself to drown.

Copyright ©2007 Melinda A. Napoletano
Image Source: "Girl In Water" by Michelle Flores