Thursday, March 18, 2004

WOW. Have you ever walked by a display of clothing on a mannequin or just hanging together on hangers in a store and think to yourself "now THAT is how I wish I could dress and always thought I would?" but you realize you are NO WHERE NEAR that kind of clothing or dressing? I saw this outfit at Cracker Barrel (YES Cracker Barrel) and it looked like something I figured by now I would be wearing in this time in my life. HA!! Yeah right!! That set me off to thinking about HOW I am now and WHAT I thought I might be like by now when I was younger. Physically I have obviously let myself way down somewhere along this journey. I am SOOO out of shape and overweight now....NOT how I thought I would be at this stage in my life. Then I wonder to myself...IF I were thinner.....would I still ever be totally TOGETHER so to speak? I mean it seems I ALWAYS have things on the burners to do.....things not quite completed or I AM not quite "there". I kind of doubt that would change even if I weighed like 80 pounds! SO.....deep in thought I guess. Wonder why my life and surroundings have to be in chaos the majority of the time? When we moved here I was so organized and have continued to be organized. BUT...with being sick over the holidays and all....I really got behind on keeping up with putting things away and cleaning...etc. my life is all topsy turvy yet once again!! AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!

My little Noah is such as sweetie pie. He keeps me on track and Keith too. I can get so frustrated with him and NOT pottying. BUT...I would not trade HIM or those problems for ANYTHING! I do have to remind and remember to be patient around him and with him and not lose it or anything. I NEVER want to put him through crap like that. I grew up around a lot of that and I swore if I ever had kids I would never let them have to experience that. A couple times when I have gotten upset with Noah and raised my voice he gets so upset and it scares him. NOT what I was going for....and it makes me feel really really bad about myself all over again. This has only happened like twice but NEVER should have happened at all. SO he likes for me to talk I try to. I also try to make sure Keith does the same thing. I have never thought any child should ever be afraid of their own parent or parents. What a life that is. I know all about that too.

Okay...I am getting depressing. Better go and work some more. Had to work early tonight as the hospital was going to do something to the network and the system was going to be I ran down before midnight and got all my work done. Now more to do here at home.


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