Fear...

Can cause horrific stagnation
In one's beliefs and dreams and hopes
I look at myself in the mirror
There are times I no longer recognize
The body and face being reflected toward my gaze
I am less than thrilled to see evidence of what I have done over time
Thinking if I added girth and size
I would become less appealing to a man
I would be protected because I would be undesirable
My body would scream "STAY AWAY FROM ME!"
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" "DO NOT TOUCH ME!"
But that never really happened.
Even pregnant and ready to give birth
A man on a bus made passes at me
Wanting to fuck me
And deep down inside I continued to hear a small, tiny voice
Always present, always crying out, "Why are you doing this to me?"
"Why do you wish to stamp me out and not even acknowledge me?"
"Why are you trying to kill me?"
"To deny me?" "To suffocate me?"
"Why do you refuse to even look at me?"
All I kept hearing was "whore, whore, because they thought you were a whore!"
When I remembered how I used to be
So I continued to push myself down
Till one day many years later, I realized I "am" that small inner voice
Crying to be recognized
And I am by far a whore
Embracing one's sexuality does not make one a "whore"
Living one's life with passion and vitality
Wishing to experience all life has to offer
Does not make one "easy"
But now I am stuck inside a body I no longer want
One that makes living as I desire much more difficult
I wish I could snap my fingers and instantly remove in a flash
All the damage I have done
And regain myself
Reclaim myself
But it is no easy process
And at times it seems it will likely go on forever
If one could actually take a knife and sculpt oneself
Into the shape they so desired
The knife would already be in my hand
Cutting and reshaping
Molding and smoothing
All the excess and bulges that shouldn't be there
Yet I have remained the same throughout all these changes
Deep down inside myself
I can still see "me" and "feel" me when I close my eyes
Yet the same old statement plays out in my mind
Like a dull, steady mantra
One I don't want to listen to
"No one will find this attractive, no one will see this as sexy, no one will want this."
I see the years of doubt, unhappiness,
Fears and stifled sexuality
In layers upon my body
I just want to shed and be rid of
Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon
So even if I had a man in my life right now
Would I be able to bare all?
Or do I feel I have to live perpetually within this cocoon
Always covered to some degree
Not ever allowing myself to be seen in totality for all I am worth
For all I could be
For all I used to be
Or for what I will become?
Would I be able to cast fear aside
And stamp it far enough under my feet
To think it even remotely possible
To trust another and reveal all of my nakedness
So they might see that which I yet cannot?
And to love me and ache for me
And all my imperfections
Even those glaring back at him
Smacking him right in the face
Each time he reached for me?
And if I accept myself in that way as well
Would I then, finally, at last
Be able to shed this skin of denial
And become a beautiful butterfly once again
Fluttering free at last?


Copyright ©2007 Melinda A. Napoletano
Image Source: Yahoo Images