Sunday morning, December 14, 2014 (only 11 more days to go)

well it is another Sunday morning....and my typical Sunday shadow of sadness hangs over me once again. Today I went through a bag of things my mom had given me that grandma had kept of things I had given to her over the years..mostly just small pics of Noah and cards....I had kept it unopened in my room all this time partly because I was not ready to go through all of that yet. I guess maybe I still wasn't ready to go through it yet.....because while a couple of things made me smile.....I had no idea when I got down to the bottom of the bag grandma's slippers would be in there. That was my tipping point. I am sure mom told me she stuck them in there back this summer after grandma died......but it probably went in 1 ear and right out my other because I don't remember it. I seem to not remember most things from the past that hurt me or apparently were hard for me to handle. I guess to cope. I am weird. Anyway....I really miss grandma. I am thankful for all I currently have in my life but I still really miss having her so close by I could pop in for visits every week. Now I am really in the pit of despair so I am going to shower and get myself busy doing something....and get out at some point today. Neither Noah nor I have wanted to get out much this week at all....especially once it gets dark. Maybe we are both weird. (and while grandma did not wear these often before she stopped wearing them....I remember seeing her wear them but most of all..they still SMELL like her house...I will likely keep them in the bag for a long time as even the bag smells like grandma)