Dear Santa:

They say you do not get anything unless you ask for it......so I am going to ask:

1) I would like my rent to be paid for 1 year up front.
2) I would like my credit cards to be paid off in full.
3) I would like my car to be paid off.
4) I would like to have help in setting up an actual classroom for Noah with a work space to work on arts and crafts projects......music......etc. If this requires moving again.....obviously we would need help with that.
5) What would be ideal Santa......since I am sounding like a greedy needy thankless soul.........would be to have our own HOME somewhere.......completely paid for...........that is large enough to supply us with the rooms and space needed to live. For Noah to have an actual therapy room......classroom.........etc. DO you think it could be made to be mostly solar powered so as to save on any gas and electric bills? Do you think you could toss in an annual income for me doing something so I don't have to worry about trying to work and take care of my autistic son full time?

and this is all shit.

anyway......not that it matters........but......I noticed my dad will make comments on my siblings' blogs......and on at least 2 he will always tell them he loves them. I think even the third one he does. I have noticed a trend on mine.....he never says it. You can go back a long ways.......he just does not say it to me anymore. um.........wonder what that means? This has all happened since the big blow up between him and my son Noah......but things have since been patched up......a bit I thought. I am not sure anymore......maybe he thinks I don't notice? That no one notices? Maybe I notice too much.

and you know what. I really don't care anymore. It is his loss he is so unwilling to get to really know or spend time with my son Noah. No one really seems to be overly concerned or willing to spend time to get to know Noah.......to really want to spend time with him......enjoy it......etc. Mom does more than she did.....grandma C. does. My sister Angela does........but everyone else is too busy or they really can't handle the "stress level" that sometimes goes along with Noah. That is just part of the deal. Well...I guess that is not fair. They have their own lives too......and are busy with it. My one sister has had a lot to deal with as her partner had cancer to deal with this year. AND my other sister is also a struggling single parent. So they are all stretched thin like I am. I can understand that. BUT when we are together......few really seem to take much time in wanting to spend time with Noah or do things with him.

okay.......I am remembering to breathe.................in..................out..............deeply.................